so here goes my first (and let’s be real here…probably last) installment of what i’ve dubbed “things that should have a way less important sounding names.” let’s kick it off, shall we kids? fuck yes we shall
first up the proverbial plate - “equestrian”
seriously? seriously you guys? you’re rich, you’re white, you ride a fucking horse. take the champagne cork out of your asshole, take off that silly, boob-resembling hat, and go fall down somewhere. you’re a horse rider. whatever viagra-saturated country club member that came up with the word ‘equestrian’ is probably in the same family tree as that suburban trophy wife with the obvious boob-job-of-midlife-desperation who decided to pronouce target “tar-jay.”
batter up - “sod”
oh, you mean grass? try something for me here people. next time you’re about to use the word “grass” in a sentence (happens to me alllll the time (no that was not a pot joke, it was sarscasm)), try replacing it with the word “sod.” yep, go ahead. “ah my dog shit all over the carpet ‘cause he was out back eating sod all day.” let me guess exactly what the person you’re talking to you is going to do. they’ll jerk noticably backward, with that look of uncertainty. yes, you did just say sod. you also just bought a dale earnheardt folding chair for using the word sod in a sentence. just because you move it from one place to another doesn’t make it any less grass.
number three - “french toast”
sure, they may have invented it, but this is fucking america. we shit standing up (where applicable). we’re a nation built on taking things from other people, changing the name, and making it our own. so fuck you, it’s bread covered in eggs. where in this shithole is my george foreman grill?
next up - “shift manager”
shit manager.
last one for tonight - “public relations director”
if you go to parties and get drunk enough to talk with people more important than you, stop what you’re doing. put that vodka in a water bottle, whiskey-tango your way on over to the community college, and get a degree for being able to relate to the public. we’re all the public. i’m going to bed
Oh Ryan, a summer with out you is like the twin towers without planes. I miss you, and this school year is going to be awesome. Why you ask? Because we don’t have to sit on East Green drinking Natural Light from Mountain Dew cans, and in my drunken rage order that everyone around me must shotgun a Mt. Dew. God bless America.
